I recently read Hank Green’s two novels, An Absolutely Remarkable Thing and A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor. Under the guise of a light sci-fi romp, these books are actually tremendously insightful. Together, they’re the best satire I’ve seen or read about the modern world, capitalism, political division, and our relationship with technology.
One of the insights that stuck with me is an answer to the age-old question: Should I let go of desire?
And the answer is … it depends:
“If you want to be happy, let go of your wants. If you want to be effective, harness them.”1
The strategy for pursuing happiness is to let go of desire; the strategy for pursuing your goals is to use your desires as fuel.
There is, however, a third option, which is to neither let go nor harness. If you take this option, you’ll be blown haphazardly around by the whims of your untethered desires. This is fine when you’re a child, but it doesn’t work so well when you’re an adult.
Untethered Desire
In my 20s, I lived hedonistically as a ski bum bartender, pursuing the simplest and most dominant of my desires: pleasure. I drank too much, smoked weed all the time, and ate a lot of junk food. I got sucked into addictive video games, threw wild parties, and recklessly chased adrenaline highs.
Unsurprisingly, this lifestyle had some negative impacts on my body and my brain. But more surprisingly, at least to me at the time, it didn’t make me very happy. I was doing everything I wanted to do, but the satisfaction I got from these pleasures proved to be quite fleeting. The high highs were often followed by low lows, and I kept needing more and more pleasure to just feel okay.
Now, anyone familiar with psychology will tell you that this is so common as to have a formal name: hedonic adaptation. The relentless pursuit of our shallowest wants only leaves us wanting more. And anyone who’s studied Buddhism will tell you that the solution is simple: let go of your desires.
Letting Go of Desire
Picture a toddler who’s being told that playtime is over, and he needs to put his toys away. Instead of accepting the situation, he throws a tantrum. On the other side of the room, Grandma is sitting quietly in her easy chair, observing this meltdown with a peaceful smile on her face. The toddler is fully in the grip of his desire to keep playing. Grandma, meanwhile, has long since learned to let go. She might prefer to see a happy, obedient grandchild, but she knows better than to resist reality.
If you can accept whatever comes your way, without craving something different, you’ll be happy. This is different from the kind of fleeting happiness that comes from pursuing pleasure. It’s less acute but longer lasting. It’s the tranquility of patience that allows you to be stuck in traffic without getting upset. It’s the peace of mind that comes from not needing a drink or a cupcake in order to feel different.
Personally, I’ve found that cultivating the ability to let go of desire is well worth the effort. I went from being an impulsive, pleasure-seeking addict to being a sober, salad-eating meditator, and I’m far happier for it. So if you’re thinking about giving up that unhealthy habit or developing a mindfulness practice, do it. I promise you won’t regret it.
Now, I’m not suggesting you join a monastery and spend all your time in quiet contemplation. For most of us, becoming anything close to a Buddhist monk is out of the question. We have responsibilities. We have goals. And to be effective, we need to use our desire as a driving force.
Harnessing Desire
You might recall from my article on how to overcome procrastination that having a strong why is essential. When you don’t feel motivated to do something, think of the deepest, strongest reason you have to do the thing, and use that to overcome the inertia of inaction.
Personally, what I want most is freedom. By harnessing this desire, I’ve become far more effective than I imagined was possible.
- I don’t want to have to spend long hours working a job I don’t enjoy, so I do the work of entrepreneurship. This leads to both financial freedom and the freedom to spend more of my time the way I’d like to.
- I don’t want to be limited by a weak and injured body, so I do my physical therapy homework and patiently build strength. This gives me the freedom to hike, ski, and play with my nephews.
- I don’t want to be burdened by anxiety, depression, and addiction, so I take good care of my brain, self-administer cognitive therapy, and strictly maintain sobriety. This strengthens my mental health, which is the most important freedom of all.
Now, it’s okay if the desires you harness don’t seem particularly healthy. One of the reasons I strive to write well is that I want recognition from other people. That’s not the noblest of wants, but it does help me write useful articles that folks will actually read. Perhaps your desire for higher status drives you to go the extra mile at work. Harnessing that ambition can make you very effective.
Competing Wants
No one has just one thing they want. We all have a multitude of desires. Sometimes these wants overlap, and we can satisfy two or more simultaneously. More often, though, we have competing wants – desires that conflict with each other.
I might want to be healthier, but I also want to eat donuts. You might want to relax, but you also want complete that project.
So how do you choose?
There are two principles to follow that will help you choose wisely among competing wants.
- Focus on the wants that move you toward your long-term goals. This often comes at the expense of short-term pleasure. (See: health vs. donuts.)
- Choose wants that lead to deeper satisfaction. Do work that matters.
If you choose well, you should feel proud of yourself. Harnessing the right desires will drive you toward meaningful productivity.
Also, to avoid burnout, be sure to make time for genuine rest and recovery. (Note: This means things like taking a nap, going for a walk in the park, or playing with your kids not binging Netflix or scrolling through Instagram.)
Switching Back and Forth
Neither strategy is objectively better than the other. A life in which we abandon all desire might be a happy life, but we won’t get much done. And a life in which we’re slaves to our ambition might be very productive, but it will also be miserable. (They don’t call it “the rat race” because it’s fun.)
Luckily, we don’t have to choose one strategy at the exclusion of the other. We’re free to shift from one strategy to the other as the situation warrants. And with practice, we can develop the mental flexibility to do so.
When I was too injured to ski, yearning to hit the slopes mostly made me unhappy, so I needed to let go of that desire. But when it was time to go to physical therapy or swim laps, the goal of returning to skiing was an excellent motivator.
If you’re in a situation that calls for effective productivity, allow yourself to be driven by whatever desire helps motivate you. When you’re at work or doing chores, the goal is to get things done.
But if you’re in a situation where productivity is either not an option or not warranted, let go of your desires. When you’re relaxing, eating dinner, or driving somewhere, your primary job is to simply be. Striving for something during such times will only make you impatient. Wishing things were different from the way they are will only make you unhappy.
So, should you let go of desire? Yes, but only certain desires and only sometimes. Other times, you’ll want to use your desire as fuel that propels you down the path of becoming better.
1 Green, Hank. A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor. Trapeze, 2021.