How to Criticize Without Triggering Defensiveness

Perhaps the only thing harder than receiving criticism without becoming defensive is giving criticism without triggering defensiveness.

I, for one, struggle mightily with this. When I criticize someone’s behavior, ask them to do something differently, or point out an error they’ve made, I tend to sound judgmental. It seems that, by default, my tone of voice and choice of words make them feel attacked, so they often get defensive.

So, once again, I’m writing an article to myself because I need to follow the advice I’m about to give. Hopefully, you’ll find these ideas helpful too.

We need to be able to criticize each other. We need to be able to stand up for ourselves, ask for what we need, and request that other people change their behavior in the future. This is an essential part of healthy human relationships.

The challenge is doing this without triggering defensiveness. To do that, we have to find ways to say what’s on our minds without implying, through our words and our tone of voice, that their actions mean they’re bad people.

This topic is important, not only for our personal lives, but also for our society as a whole. In recent years, civil discourse has broken down. We’ve become incapable of having disagreements without being disagreeable. People with different political opinions are painted as stupid or evil, making collaboration and compromise impossible. As a result, our society flounders from crisis to crisis, never solving any of the big collective problems we have.

So the skill of criticizing without being judgmental is simultaneously extremely difficult and extremely important. Let’s get better at it.

Get Permission

The first way these conversations go wrong is by diving straight in without warning. No one likes being ambushed.

Simon Sinek advises prefacing any uncomfortable conversation by giving a warning and asking permission: something like, “I need to have an uncomfortable conversation with you. Can we do that?”¹

They might not be ready for it in the moment, so this allows them to ask for a different time to talk: “Sure, but not right now. How about when I get back from running errands?”

You can also own the fact that you’re not very skilled at having difficult conversations, saying something like, “I’m nervous about having this conversation because I think I’ll say the wrong thing or say it in the wrong way, and that will upset you. So please be patient with me while I fumble through what I need to say.”¹

Let them know that although what you have to say might sound judgmental, you’re truly not judging them.

Pause and Choose Carefully

Most of the time our criticisms trigger defensiveness, it’s because we haven’t planned our words carefully. We might not even think before we speak.

We need to remember what we want our criticism to achieve: a change in the other person. They won’t change if they feel judged or attacked.

So we need to slow down, choose our words with care, and deliberately use a nonjudgmental tone of voice. Make sure your body language and facial expressions are friendly.

Preamble

Once you’ve been given permission to start the conversation, preface what you’re about to say with a few reassurances that prevent defensiveness. This is critical because “People never become defensive about what you’re saying. They become defensive because of why they think you’re saying it.”²

1. Make it clear that you want (some of) the same things they want – that you have “mutual purpose.”²
2. Make it clear that you respect them – that you care about them.² If people feel disrespected, they’ll shut down.³
3. Make it clear that they are free to choose what to do and what to believe. If people feel like you’re dictating to them, they’ll resist and do the opposite.³ No one likes being told what to do.

(These last two are particularly important if you’re criticizing a teenager. For more on how to motivate adolescents, click here.)

Own What You Can

You can further reduce their defensiveness by first owning whatever role you’ve played in the situation. You might start off by apologizing for something you did or didn’t do that contributed to the problem. Perhaps you weren’t clear about what you wanted. Perhaps you made an assumption. Perhaps you weren’t as proactive as you could have been. They might reciprocate by taking ownership of their error before you’ve had a chance to bring it up.

Similarly, you can preface any criticism you have to offer by saying that this is something you’ve done yourself many times. Admitting your own mistakes will make them much more open to hearing that they, too, have made an error. Just as attacks trigger counterattacks, apologies tend to be mirrored with counter-apologies.

However, you might be totally blind to what you’ve done wrong or what you could do differently, so …

Ask What You Can Do Differently

The mistake I make almost every time (and I’m hoping writing about this will help me remember to do better) is asking the other person to change something about their behavior before asking what I can do differently.

There’s always something, and odds are, they’re thinking of it. If you don’t ask what you can do differently, they’ll probably assume you’re putting all the responsibility (or blame) on them.

If you start by asking about your own behavior and demonstrating an openness to changing, they’ll be much more open to changing themselves.

Compliment Before You Criticize

The old management adage that you should praise a few behaviors before you critique one applies here. Although people will still focus on the one thing they did wrong, it still helps to tell them what things they’ve done right.

Keep in mind what Olivia Fox Cabane pointed out in her excellent book, The Charisma Myth: “The most effective and credible compliments are those that are both personal and specific.”⁴ If it isn’t specific, it won’t be as effective. If the praise isn’t honest, they’ll know, and they’ll feel like you’re being manipulative.

Similarly, you can further boost your influence and reduce the tension in the situation by expressing gratitude for something they’ve done for you. This lets them know that you’re aware of their contributions and that you appreciate what they’ve done for you.

Robert Cialdini’s classic book Influence reminds us that we’re more easily influenced by people we like and that we like people who like us.⁵ By praising and thanking them for their good qualities and actions, you’re making it clear that you like them, which will make them more inclined to like you, which will increase your ability to influence their behavior.

Praise Character, Criticize Actions

A related technique comes from the classic social skills book, How to Win Friends and Influence People (which is actually an excellent book despite its off-putting title): positive trait attribution.

Positive trait attribution means assigning good character traits to people before you criticize their behavior. Not only does this reassure them that they’re good people, but it also gives them a high standard they’ll want to live up to, making them more inclined to improve their behavior.⁶

Here are two examples:

“I know you’re trying to be helpful, but what you just did there actually slowed me down. I would appreciate it if you did this instead.”

“You’re always such a kind and considerate person, so I know when you said that you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings.”

Remember, people get defensive because they think they’re being told that they’re bad people. So it’s important to make it clear that you’re critiquing their actions rather than who they are.

Focus on a Positive Alternative

Here’s more wisdom from The Charisma Myth:

“Tell people exactly what you want to see from them, as opposed to what you don’t want to see.”⁴

For example, if your partner neglects to do the dishes, you can say, “A lot of the time, when I get home from work, you’ve done the dishes. I want you to know that I really appreciate it when you do that.”

In other words, don’t say what they did wrong (or keep that part as brief as possible), say what they can do right. Nothing triggers defensiveness like an extended lecture on all the reasons that the wrong thing they did was wrong.

“When someone is told they’re wrong, even when they do realize they’re at fault, they will often strive to justify themselves; it can both wound their ego and arouse their resentment, leading them to discredit you in an attempt to lessen their own guilt.”⁴

So skip that. Odds are, they already understand. Instead of lecturing them about their mistake, give them clarity on the positive alternative to their behavior.

When I’m tutoring a math student, and they make a mistake, I don’t dwell on the error or the mistaken reasoning behind the error; I get busy explaining how to do it correctly, so they can get busy learning how to do it right.

Request, Don’t Demand

“In the future, could you please ________?”

“I would prefer if you did ________ instead of ________. Can you please try to do that for me?

A request is less combative than a demand, and it reinforces the idea that you’re not trying to dictate their behavior.

Recalibrate

You’re probably going to get a lot of what I’ve just described wrong in the heat of the moment. (I sure do.) You’ll probably forget to maintain a friendly tone of voice, body language, and facial expression while you’re talking. And even if you don’t, the other person can still get defensive. So you need to practice recalibrating mid-conversation.

“It’s absolutely critical throughout difficult conversations to stay attentive to any signals that the other person might be getting defensive. When you sense defensiveness, whether through their facial expressions, body language, or tone of voice, dial up your warmth and move them back to a positive frame of mind.”⁴

Don’t call them out for getting defensive because that just piles more criticism on them. If they’re getting defensive, it’s on you to change your approach.

It’s Hard

Everything described above is hard. So remember, it’s all practice. When you get it wrong, apologize and try to do better next time.

Healing Our Divided Nation

As I hinted at in the introduction, this has implications beyond our interpersonal interactions. Think about our bitterly divided politics. Both sides regularly accuse the other of being bad people. This is tremendously unproductive. Just as individuals resist the implication that they’ve done something bad by becoming defensive, so do groups and political parties. Defensiveness makes people less likely to change their minds. It makes compromise harder.

You might think that a particular political issue is “not up for debate” because the “right” answer is so obvious to you, but if half of the country believes the opposite policy is correct, there must be more to it than that. There must be some reason millions of people feel differently about it than you. And you can never hope to change their minds if you just dismiss them as ignorant, stupid, or immoral.

That’s why I make a point of listening to the analysis of Brooks and Capeheart each week. David Brooks, in particular, does an excellent job of empathizing with both sides of the issues, helping the audience see the nuances of the situation. I also subscribe to Tangle, which gives multiple perspectives from both sides of the aisle on every issue they cover.

Often, my opinion is moderated by seeing how the issue is more complicated than I’d first imagined. Sometimes, my mind is changed completely by hearing perspectives I wouldn’t normally hear.

This practice keeps my own bias in check, making me better at participating in civic life. It also prevents me from seeing those I disagree with as absurd caricatures of who they really are. Then, with the techniques described in this article, I actually stand a chance of changing their minds.

¹Sinek, Simon. “Try THIS the Next Time You Have an Uncomfortable Conversation.”

²Crucial Dimensions. “What To Do in the First 30 Seconds of a Tough Conversation.”

³Yeager, David, PhD. 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People. Avid Reader Press. 2024.

⁴Cabane, Olivia Fox. The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. Penguin, 2012.

⁵Cialdini, Robert B., Ph.D. Influence, New and Expanded: The Essential Guide to the Psychology of Influence and Persuasion in Everyday Life. Harper Business, 2021.

⁶Carnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends and Influence People. Gallery Books, 1998.

Chris Loper

Chris Loper has been writing about self-improvement and helping busy adults with habit formation since 2017.

He also writes an education blog for parents and students for Northwest Educational Services.

Along with Greg Smith, Chris is the cocreator of Parenting for Academic Success, a series of transformative classes that create empowered parents, confident students, and harmonious families.

His most recent endeavor combines his academic and habit-formation expertise to help students thrive in college. Visit SmartCollegeHabits.com to learn more.

In 2021, Chris published a humorous memoir titled Wood Floats and Other Brilliant Observations, a book that blends crazy stories with practical life lessons.

He lives in Issaquah, WA where he is the owner of South Cove Tutoring.