I have no idea what it feels like to be trans.
I was born with a male body, and I’ve never felt like there was anything wrong with that. But I’ve also never felt like there was anything right about that. I don’t feel any sense of gender identity in my mind.
But perhaps that’s because my gender and my biological sex are aligned. For a trans person, they must feel some kind of mismatch between their sex and their gender. But I simply cannot imagine what that feels like.
I don’t understand what it’s like to be them.
I don’t get it.
But I don’t have to get it in order to believe them. Why on Earth would they lie about feeling that way? No one would choose to suffer the hate and discrimination trans people face in our world.
It’s also absurd to believe that being trans is caused by some delusion-inducing mental illness. Gender dysphoria is the only atypical thing trans people experience. Someone with a mental illness that made them delusional would have a variety of abnormal thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Trans people are perfectly fine. I don’t get it, but that does not mean they’re crazy.
I also don’t have to get it in order to accept them. I don’t understand how my computer works, but I accept that it does. I don’t understand all of the functions of my liver, but I accept that they’re necessary. It would be ridiculous for me to refuse to accept trans people just because I don’t understand why they feel the way they do.
I also don’t have to get it in order to have empathy for them, to be supportive. I cannot limit myself to only helping people whose experiences make sense to me.
It’s easier for me to imagine what it’s like to live in poverty in Sierra Leone, but if I’m honest with myself, I don’t actually get it. I’m too far removed from that suffering, too insulated, too comfortable. But I still give money to Partners in Health to build better healthcare infrastructure in places like Sierra Leone. Likewise, I can be a trans ally without truly understanding their perspective.
I’ve chosen to focus on trans people because they’ve been the target of so much hate in recent years, but this notion – that you don’t have to “get it” – applies to far more than just this issue.
I don’t understand what it’s like to be a person of color, to be an immigrant, to be old, to be a woman, and countless other categories of humanity.
But I don’t have to get it in order to accept and embrace their humanity, to be kind and supportive.
Everyone wants to be happy.
Everyone wants to be treated with dignity.
I get that, and that’s enough.
Chris Loper has been writing about self-improvement and helping busy adults with habit formation since 2017.
He also writes an education blog for parents and students for Northwest Educational Services.
Along with Greg Smith, Chris is the cocreator of Parenting for Academic Success, a series of transformative classes that create empowered parents, confident students, and harmonious families.
His most recent endeavor combines his academic and habit-formation expertise to help students thrive in college. Visit SmartCollegeHabits.com to learn more.
In 2021, Chris published a humorous memoir titled Wood Floats and Other Brilliant Observations, a book that blends crazy stories with practical life lessons.
He lives in Issaquah, WA where he is the owner of South Cove Tutoring.