Here’s a powerful idea I learned from Tal Ben-Shahar’s positive psychology course:
“You are the co-creator of your reality.”1
This means that you don’t just experience the world – you also help shape it. You’re not merely an observer. You’re a participant.
Some people take the view that you have no free will. You’re an animal, acting on instincts. Or you’re a cog in a machine, serving the powers that be. In this view, you’re nothing but a passive victim of reality.
Others swing to another unhealthy extreme. They argue that your circumstances don’t matter at all. If you just think happy thoughts, good things will come your way. In this view, you have complete control over your reality.
Both positions are wrong. The reality you face does matter. Your genes and your circumstances will surely affect your life in profound ways. But at the same time, the way you interpret reality makes a big difference, and you do have the power to actually make things better.
Remember that positive thinking is only valuable if it inspires positive action. And negative thinking can be important and useful, so long as it doesn’t inspire passivity. We need to see reality for what it is in order to change it. What actually works is realistic optimism and being proactive.
Here’s a seasonal example:
It’s prime hiking time in the Cascades, so I’m often out on the trails. Unfortunately, along with the beautiful trees, alpine lakes, and the occasional chipmunk, there is also litter. But rather than passively being upset about the trash left behind by careless hikers, I just pick it up. By doing so, I’m not only cleaning up the forest, but I’m also helping shift the social norms of other hikers. People who see me picking up trash might be inspired to do the same. And anyone hiking though a trash-free forest will unconsciously learn that leaving litter behind is inappropriate.
Think about how many different ways you can positively impact your world. With every interaction, you affect your relationships. Each time you exercise or choose healthy food, you improve your health. Every time you share something, buy something, or vote, you’re helping shape our economy and our culture. With each choice, you co-create your reality.
Co-Creating Happiness
Now let’s talk about co-creating your inner reality: your emotions.
It’s plainly obvious that, when things are going well for us, it’s much easier to be happy. And, likewise, when things are going wrong, we’re more prone to be unhappy. Thus, people pursue things like money, status, pleasurable experiences, and material comforts in the name of happiness.
On the other hand, there are people who seem to have everything going for them who are depressed nonetheless, and there are happy people to be found in the most unfortunate of circumstances. Some take this as evidence that circumstances don’t matter at all. What counts is what’s going on in our heads: the mindsets we have, the perspectives we choose, and the thoughts we entertain.
The truth, again, lies in the middle. Conventional success can help, but it’s no guarantee of happiness. And poverty surely makes happiness more challenging, but it’s no guarantee of misery. We get to choose how we respond to our circumstances, and we get to choose what those circumstances mean.
You can, for instance, practice gratitude journaling. If you start paying more attention to the things in life you have to be grateful for, you’ll become happier without any change to your objective reality. Conversely, if you complain about things in your life, without working to improve them, you’ll become even less happy.
As a co-creator, you have a lot of power over your inner reality.
Conclusion
Too often we take on the passive role of the observer.
We feel our emotions, but don’t do anything to change them. We go through our daily routines on autopilot rather than consciously creating the habits we really want. We spend too much time experiencing other people’s lives on television and social media, and we spend too little time living our own.
But I’m not judging. I’ve been as guilty of this as anyone.
This is just a reminder that you get to do more than observe reality. You get to help create it.
So if you don’t like the reality you’re in, get to work making a better one.
1 Ben-Shahar, Tal. Psychology 1504: Positive Psychology. Harvard Open Course, 2009.