Last year, I wrote about the uncomfortable question we all need to be asking. Here’s a quick reminder:
When someone displays some characteristic you don’t like or behaves in such a way that you’re tempted to judge them, ask yourself, “How am I that?” In almost every case, there’s some parallel characteristic or behavior that you occasionally display. This helps you be less judgmental and lets you use other people’s shortcomings as a mirror to see your own need for growth.
Today, I want to follow up on that idea with a second question that I’ve recently realized is just as important:
“When I’m like that, what do I need?”
When I’m at my worst, what I need is compassion. I don’t need someone to judge me. I don’t need someone to solve my problems for me. I need to be comforted. I need to be reminded that I am loved.
When you see your partner losing their temper over something trivial, it’s tempting to judge this behavior as irrational, but that’s not a very compassionate response. Surely you’ve done the same. And when you’re in that state of mind, what do you need? A hug? An empathetic ear?
When a coworker is rude to you, it’s tempting to condemn them. But thinking to yourself, He’s such an asshole! doesn’t make the situation any better. And it’s not like you’ve never been rude to anyone. And those times when you were inconsiderate, what state of mind were you in? Probably not a happy one. You were probably frustrated or stressed out or otherwise suffering, and that’s why you didn’t behave admirably. So someone who is rude to you probably needs compassion, support, or at least patience. Remember the old wisdom, “Those who hurt are hurting.”1
This is not to say that you should be a pushover who never stands up for themselves or corrects bad behavior. It is just to say that, in the moment that it happens, the first step is compassion. Good luck changing anyone’s behavior if you start with condemnation.
We all have our moments. We all act in ways that we’re not proud of sometimes. So when you see someone else behaving poorly, think about what you would need if you were in their shoes, and instead of serving up judgment, offer them that instead.
1 Bowen, Will. A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted. Harmony, 2013.