A common saying about happiness is that happiness is not having what you want but wanting what you have. I’d like to add to that the following:
Happiness is not doing whatever you want but wanting to do whatever you have to do.
James Clear advises reframing things that you “have” to do as things that you “get” to do,1 and I like this. It reminds you that so much of what you do on a daily basis is actually a privilege. Driving to work is a privilege. Cleaning your home is a privilege. Going to the grocery store is a privilege. Is it unclear how these are things you “get” to do? Consider the alternatives: unemployment, homelessness, a world without grocery stores.
But let’s be clear. This isn’t about faking your way into positive thinking. It’s about finding real reasons to want to do what you have to do. As in this other example of positive thinking done right, it’s essential to stay firmly grounded in reality and avoid self-delusion. Commuting to work in heavy traffic, cleaning the bathroom, and standing in line at the grocery store cannot magically become fun through positive thinking. But they can be seen as things that we want to do.
Hardly anyone wants to get up early so they can get in a workout before the day starts. Hardly anyone wants to go to night school after a long day at work. Hardly anyone wants to change a diaper. And yet, we do these things, and most of the time we believe it’s because we have to and not because we want to. But the sort of wants we were just considering are short-term, shallow wants. We also have other wants, deeper, long-term wants. It is these wants that really drive our behavior, and it is these wants that we too often lose sight of when doing the things we have to do.
The part of me that seeks immediate gratification does not want to go to work on Sunday. That part of me would much rather sleep in, relax, and have fun than go to work for 11 hours (my typical Sunday). And if I choose to focus on that version of what I want, I’ll dread going to work and be unhappy while I’m there.
On the other hand, I could consider some competing wants that I have. I want to earn a good living and save money for the future. I want to learn new things, practice my craft, and advance my career. I want to help the company I work for continue to grow. And I want to help my students tap into their incredible human potential. If I choose to focus on these wants, I’ll look forward to going to work and enjoy my time there.
Wanting to do what you have to do really comes down to focusing on the right set of desires. Out of all your competing wants, there are surely some that can help you reframe your obligations as privileges. Think about your own life and the things you have to do. What are the deeper reasons you do those things? What big, long-term wants do you have? And how can you find ways to keep them in mind more often?
1 Clear, James. “How to Be Thankful For Your Life by Changing Just One Word.”