Some books are so packed with practical wisdom that they’re worth reading again a few years later. Your life will have changed, so the lessons that stand out to you will be different. You will have already applied and internalized the basic ideas of the book, so on this second reading, you’ll be able to process its wisdom more deeply.
For me, one such book was Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. When I first read it, I was just starting out on my journey of becoming better, and the ideas it offered were life-changing: be proactive, make self-care a priority, and embrace interdependence.1
A few years later, I read through it again and found myself drawn to some of its other key lessons: begin with the end in mind, make sure you understand the other person before giving your perspective, and think win-win in your dealings with others.1
Recently, I’ve been revisiting another profoundly helpful book: The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane. The core idea of this great book is that charisma is a learnable skill – actually three skills: presence, power, and warmth. Charismatic people embody all three in their interactions with others, and that’s what makes them well-liked and influential.2
On my initial read through several years ago, I latched on to a few of the more basic techniques that help you demonstrate presence, power, and warmth: meditating to improve my ability to focus, using confident body language to display power, and smiling with my eyes to show warmth.2
This time through, I’m reading the book much more slowly, and I’ve been picking out more of the micro-skills of charisma and thinking critically about how to apply them in my daily life. I’ll be sharing more of the wisdom I’m learning in future articles, but today I just want to offer a simple language adjustment that will make you more charismatic.
There are three commonly-used phrases that subtly undermine your charisma: “No problem,” “No worries,” and “Don’t hesitate to ______.”
What’s wrong with phrases like this? Cabane explains:
“When you tell someone, ‘No problem,’ ‘Don’t worry,’ or ‘Don’t hesitate to call,’ for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember ‘problem,’ ‘worry,’ or ‘hesitate’ instead of your desire to support them.”2
She says that telling people to “not worry” is similar to asking you to not think about an elephant. As soon as you’re told not to think about it, your brain can’t help but picture an elephant.2 So instead of using negative words in your positive statements, drop them and use only positive words.
- Instead of saying, “No problem,” say, “You’re welcome” or “Happy to help.”
- Instead of saying, “No worries,” say, “It’s all good.”
- Instead of saying, “Don’t hesitate to reach out,” say, “Reach out any time.”
It’s a small change, so don’t expect it to revolutionize your interactions with others, but it’s an easy change to make, and small improvements do add up.
1 Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. Fireside, 1990.
2 Cabane, Olivia Fox. The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. Penguin, 2012.