My wife and I play a lot of tabletop games together. And while I always play to win, I’ve come to see losing as a good thing.
It’s all a matter of perspective.
When the game ends and Christina has a higher score than I do, there are two equally valid interpretations:
- I have lost.
- Christina has won.
They are, of course, simultaneously both true, but we rarely hold two ideas in our heads at the same time. So I get to choose which one to focus on.
No one likes losing, so if I focus on the fact that I have lost, I might be a little upset. Disappointed in myself for making mistakes or choosing an inferior strategy. Bitter about a string of bad luck that contributed to my loss. But other than learning from my mistakes, this line of thinking serves only to make me unhappy. And since emotions are contagious, it might also make my wife unhappy.
It is far better to focus on the fact that Christina has won. That she gets to experience the joy of victory. That she gets to be proud of the strategic choices she made. That she’ll be eager to play again in the future.
This is a prime example of how what you choose to focus on has a great impact on your happiness.
And I think seeing losing in this way is a step toward enlightenment. Not transcendent, mystical enlightenment, but the sort where you have the freedom to see things any way you choose.
Losing is something we naturally interpret as negative. But, in reality, it’s a completely neutral event. Thus, we are free to interpret it as positive. This perspective is also more logical. Losing does not actually harm me in any way, but winning makes Christina happier, so it’s a net gain.
And perhaps it is a step toward transcendent, mystical enlightenment, the sort where you see everything as connected, as one.
Celebrating my wife’s victory rather than bemoaning my loss is a way to in this way is a way to practice seeing our lives and minds as intertwined. Seeing that we are not really separate entities. Seeing us.
Her victory is our victory. Her happiness is our happiness.