Being Proactive: The Most Important Mindset

Mindsets are very important.

The way you see yourself, the lens through which you approach problems, your habitual ways of thinking – these all play a large role in determining the course of your life.

And while there are many different mindsets that we’d all be wise to cultivate, one stands out above the others. Without this mindset, the other helpful mindsets aren’t so helpful and probably wouldn’t be adopted in the first place. It’s the birthplace of grit. It’s what inspires resourcefulness. It’s the mindset that puts you in charge of your life, your mind, and your actions.

For most of my time as a writer, I’ve referred to this mindset as being “an active agent” because that’s how I first learned of it (from former Harvard professor Tal Ben-Shahar). Later, I read Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, in which he refers to this mindset as being “proactive.” Others simply refer to it as “agency”.¹ The words aren’t important, but the ideas are. The most important mindset for success and happiness is to see yourself as an active agent rather than a passive victim, to be proactive rather than reactive. It is the belief that engaging with the world is both possible and worthwhile. It is knowing that you have the power to help yourself by “reflecting, making creative choices, and constructing a meaningful life.”¹

Here’s Stephen Covey:

“The word proactivity … means more than merely taking initiative. It means that as human beings, we are responsible for our own lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen.”²

He continues:

“Look at the word responsibility – ‘response-ability’ – the ability to choose your response. Highly proactive people recognize that responsibility. They don’t blame circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behavior. Their behavior is a product of their own conscious choice, based on values, rather than a product of their conditions, based on feeling.”²

Now, let’s be clear – this is not a libertarian manifesto. I’m not saying conditions don’t matter; they do. Bad circumstances exist. Many people are victims of systemic unfairness or just plain bad luck. And of course, we should acknowledge and address issues like racism, sexism, and poverty. We should have social safety nets to protect people from misfortune. And we should make it easier for people to climb the socioeconomic ladder rather than merely admonishing people to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps.

What I am saying is that you can choose to take an active role in your well-being despite challenging circumstances. I’m saying that no one can take away your power to be response-able. Being proactive is hard, and it’s especially hard when the cards are stacked against you, but it is possible. We can be resourceful, even when resources are inadequate. We can fight for what’s right, even when it’s a losing battle. And we can do our best, even when lady luck gives us her worst.

“Things don’t always happen for the best, but we can always make the best of the things that happen.” –Tal Ben-Shahar³

Passivity: The Default Option

Being passive is the default option. It’s the automatic reaction, the neurological path of least resistance. This is especially true if we’re habituated to being passive. Being proactive, on the other hand, is an exercise in free will. It’s choosing to do something other than the default. It’s committing to doing what needs to be done, even as our culture, our old habits, and our current feelings are pulling us in the wrong direction.

It’s easier to be passive; that’s why it’s the default. But passivity will never get you the results you want. You won’t change, you won’t grow, and you won’t achieve your goals. If you approach life passively, life will pass you by.

One of the most detrimental passive choices people make is not employing effective strategies. The challenges you’re facing aren’t brand new or entirely unique. Other people have faced similar problems and figured out solutions. But these strategies won’t find you; you have to seek them out. If you’re standing in the rain with an umbrella at your side, it’s not going to open itself. You have the make the active choice to open the umbrella and hold it over your head. For whatever your challenge is, there are tools and techniques that can help.

Another common and deeply problematic passive choice is not taking steps to cultivate helpful mindsets. Your mind is made to adapt and change by rewiring and growing, but it won’t shift in the direction you want without effort. My #1 practice for developing better mindsets is consuming daily wisdom. Hearing and reading good ideas every day makes my mindsets healthier in much the same way that eating vegetables every day makes my body healthier. And in the modern media landscape, the default option is definitely not daily doses of wisdom, just as most options restaurants and grocery stores are not healthy.

According to entrepreneur-investor Naval Ravikant, in any undesirable situation, “You always have three options. You can change it, you can accept it, or you can leave it. What is not a good option is to sit around wishing you would change it but not changing it, wishing you would leave it but not leaving it, and not accepting it. It’s that struggle, that aversion, that is responsible for most of our misery.”⁴

He gives us three proactive options to choose from: make an effort to change the situation, mentally accept the situation, or leave. The fourth (and worst) option is to be passive: to do nothing and continue to mentally resist what is happening.

Acceptance Only Seems Passive

Now, acceptance might seem like a passive option, but it’s not. It’s mentally active. It’s the proactive thing to do internally when you don’t have the power to change something undesirable that’s going on externally.

Actually, the undesirable thing might also be going on internally, such as a headache or a feeling of sadness. You don’t have direct control over whether or not you have a headache or feel sad, so when such things arise internally, acceptance is the wisest choice. The default option is resisting the headache or getting upset with yourself for feeling sad; the proactive option is choosing to accept rather than resist. Rather than wallowing in victimhood, you can choose to bear such difficulties with dignity and grace. Doing so often makes the difference between suffering and contentment because suffering = pain x resistance.

And acceptance does not mean inaction. It is often best to simultaneously accept your current reality and work to improve your situation. You can both accept that you have a headache and take some kind of remedy: a glass of water, a walk in the park, a microbreak, or ibuprofen. Likewise, you can both accept that you are sad and take steps to feel better: call a friend, listen to a song you like, watch some comedy, or write in your gratitude journal. You can also simultaneously accept that you’re in a bad situation and choose to leave it. This, I find, tends to give me more peace of mind after I’ve left because I’m not still fighting the situation internally.

For external problems, such as unfairness at work, it might seem like non-acceptance would lead to anger, which would inspire you to take action, but this view is misguided. Non-acceptance tends to put you into victim-mode, making you more likely to complain than to take positive action. Or, if you do end up taking action, the negative emotions that come with non-acceptance will cloud your judgment, leading to poor decisions and ineffective tactics. The proactive thing to do is accept whatever the current reality is so that you can accurately assess the situation and evaluate your options carefully.

Cultivating a Proactive Mindset

As with all mindsets, proactivity isn’t a trait you either have or don’t have. It’s not an all-or-nothing thing. Instead, there is a spectrum of proactivity, with a completely reactive mindset on one extreme and a fully proactive mindset on the other.

This means we can’t just flip a switch in our minds and decide, once and for all, to be proactive. Instead, we have to work on becoming steadily more proactive by practicing being active agents in our daily life. We do this through the choices we make and the words we use.

Each day presents you with dozens if not hundreds of opportunities to practice making proactive choices, and every time you choose to be an active agent, you’re cultivating this most important of mindsets. But you don’t have to change everything all at once to start improving. Try for three better choices per day, and remember that everything counts. As you choose to be proactive more and more, you’ll find that it gets easier and easier. “People who exercise their embryonic freedom day after day will, little by little, expand that freedom.”²

Covey writes:

“It is in the ordinary events of everyday life that we develop the proactive capacity to handle the extraordinary pressures of life. It’s how we make and keep commitments, how we handle a traffic jam, how we respond to an irate customer or a disobedient child. It’s how we view our problems and where we focus our energies. It’s the language we use.”²

Words Matter

One classic sign of passivity is using reactive language rather than proactive language. The thing that characterizes reactive language is that it is deterministic. It describes a world in which your actions and emotions are determined by outside forces, a world in which you are powerless to change yourself or the situation you’re in.

Here’s Covey again:

“The language of reactive people absolves them of responsibility.

‘That’s me. That’s just the way I am.’ I am determined. There’s nothing I can do about it.

‘He makes me so mad!’ I’m not responsible. My emotional life is governed by something outside my control.

‘I can’t do that. I just don’t have the time.’ Something outside me – limited time – is controlling me.

‘If only my wife were more patient.’ Someone else’s behavior is limiting my effectiveness.

‘I have to do it.’ Circumstances or other people are forcing me to do what I do. I’m not free to choose my own actions.”²

Covey also points out the danger of reactive language and the passive beliefs behind it: They are self-fulfilling prophecies: The less control you exert over yourself and your life, the more you’ll feel like you’re truly out of control, a victim of circumstance, like a leaf blowing in the wind.

In reality, no matter what happens to us, we are still response-able. We have the freedom to decide how we are going to respond to our circumstances. Tal Ben-Shahar likes to say that we co-create our reality: The world throws things at us, and these things combine with our actions and our thoughts to create the reality we experience.³ The passive option is to play no role in creating your reality. The proactive option is to do as much as you can in your role as a co-creator.

Perhaps the most common types of reactive language are complaining and blaming, and these are great examples of the power of our words to shape our mindsets. “Reactive people … focus on the weaknesses of other people … and circumstances over which they have no control.”² Since complaining and blaming reinforce your belief that you are powerless to improve your situation, thinking and speaking in this way only makes things worse for you.  

Instead, when bad things happen, you can ask proactive questions. These questions put you in the driver’s seat and set you up to do better in the future. My favorite proactive question is “What am I going to do about it?” This question puts you in charge of making things better. “If you start to think the problem is ‘out there,’ stop yourself. That thought is the problem.”² Focus on your strategy, your mindset, your choices. These are the things you can change.

Another way to adopt more proactive language is to swap out “have’s” for “be’s.”² If we’re focused on things we want to have – more time, more money, more influence, a better relationship, better grades – then we’re in a passive, reactive mindset. This is an “outside-in” approach: We’re waiting for the world to give us something, and we won’t be happy until we have it.²

Covey says, “The proactive approach is to change from the inside-out: to be different, and by being different, to effect positive change in what’s out there – I can be more resourceful, I can be more diligent, I can be more creative, I can be more cooperative.”² He continues, “Be a light, not a judge. Be a model, not a critic. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem. … When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it – immediately. Don’t get into a blaming, accusing mode. Work on things you have control over. Work on you. On be.”² The proactive mindset is all about taking responsibility for what you can do differently, for how you can be different, rather than passively waiting for the world to change.

Of course, this is the more difficult choice. “It is so much easier to blame other people, conditioning, or conditions for our own stagnant situation. But we are responsible – “response-able” – to control our lives and to powerfully influence our circumstances by working on be, on who we are.”² It’s downright uncomfortable to admit that we are – and have always been – able to do something to improve our situation, especially if we’ve been suffering in it for a long time. But sometimes pain is the price we have to pay to move forward, and it’s never too late to change.

Changing Your Mindset

In the feedback loop that controls your life, thoughts, emotions, and actions are all interconnected. The mindset that you have is a mix of thoughts and emotions – how you think and feel about yourself and the world you live in.

Your actions are usually the outward manifestation of whatever mindset you have, but that’s only if you let your current mindset dictate your behavior. You always have the power to act in ways contrary to your thoughts and feelings, and when you change your behavior, your mindset will change to match it.

Adopting more proactive language is really an effort to cultivate more proactive thinking, and this does matter. But the most powerful thing you can do to cultivate a proactive mindset is to adopt more proactive behavior because actions speak louder than thoughts. Every time you take proactive action, your identity shifts a little in the right direction. Every time you act as though you are an active agent, you take a step toward becoming one.

Right now, think about some problem you have – something frustrating or upsetting in your work, your home, or one of your relationships. Think about what elements of that problem are within your power to control or influence. What can you do differently to make it better? Decide what the first step is and take it. If you’re not currently in a position to take that step, create a reminder for yourself to take it at the appropriate time, and then take a moment to visualize yourself taking it. “Make a commitment to yourself to exercise your freedom to choose.”²

You can’t change a long-ingrained mindset overnight, but you can start making more proactive choices today.

¹ Napper, Paul, and Anthony Rao. The Power of Agency: The 7 Principles to Conquer Obstacles, Make Effective Decisions, and Create a Life on Your Own Terms. St. Martin’s Press, 2019.

² Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. Fireside, 1990.

³ Ben-Shahar, Tal. Psychology 1504: Positive Psychology. Harvard Open Course, 2009.

⁴ Ferriss, Tim. Tools of Titans: The Tactics, Routines, and Habits of Billionaires, Icons, and World-Class Performers. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2016.