I used to be terrible at remembering names. I believed that this was just how I was, no more changeable than the color of my eyes. But then it occurred to me that this was a fixed-minded way of thinking, and I had been witnessing the power of a growth mindset in most other areas of my life. So I said to myself, “Hey, I know a lot about learning and memory formation. I should apply that expertise to remembering names.” And I did. And it worked.
Why do we forget?
Names are really important, and the ability to remember names is a critical social skill. So why are they so hard to remember? Well, as I see it, there are two reasons, and both are elements of human nature.
One is that our ancestors lived in social groups for millions of years before ever developing language. That’s why we find it much easier to remember faces than names: We have a far longer genetic history of needing to remember faces than we do of needing to remember names. There’s nothing you can do about this, but hopefully knowing this fact will help you give yourself permission to be human when you forget someone’s name. Be kind to yourself; forgetting names is normal.
The second reason why remembering names is hard is that our brains are basically forgetting machines. We take in far too much information each day to remember it all. Our brains do us a big favor by deleting the vast majority of the information we take in. Also, our ancestors were frequently short on food, so our brains evolved to save energy whenever possible. Forming memories costs energy – our brains are calorically expensive – so we only hold onto things that are obviously important. Now, we might consciously know that remembering names is important, but names don’t stand out as obviously important to our brains. Therefore, we have to take steps to convince our brains to care in order to remember names.
Repeat and recall.
The first thing you need to do is simply use the names you’re learning immediately after hearing them. Let’s say you’ve just met a man named Aaron. If you wait just one minute before using his name, you’ll start to doubt yourself. It was Aaron … Or wait, was it Alvin? Or Andy? Or Evan? … Ah crap. This is a classic case of “use it or lose it” – a neuroscience principle that says we’ll quickly forget whatever knowledge we don’t use. So you’ve got to use the person’s name right away, and use it often.
For example, most people say, “Nice to meet you.” Instead, say, “Nice to meet you, Aaron.” Most people follow up with small talk, such as “What do you do for work?” Instead, ask, “What do you do for work Aaron?” Most people end their quick interactions with something like, “It was good chatting with you.” Instead, say, “It was good chatting with you, Aaron.”
Repetition is the shortest path to memory formation, so use the person’s name as often as possible during the initial interaction. You can take this to the point of absurdity, which usually ends up being pretty humorous, and it’s totally okay to explain what you’re doing: “So Aaron, you’re probably wondering why I’m using your name so much. I’ll tell you what’s going on, Aaron. It’s because I’ll forget that your name is Aaron if I don’t call you ‘Aaron’ a bunch of times right away.” This might not be appropriate for business settings, but it certainly plays well at parties.
Now, once you leave the initial interaction, you’ll probably no longer have opportunities to use the person’s name. Perhaps you’ll get to say something like, “Oh I just met Aaron over there, and he works for Microsoft too,” but probably not. So the next phase of remembering someone’s name is mental recall practice. This means quizzing yourself in your head on the names of the people you’ve just met.
Let’s say you’ve just met Tim, Susan, and Melissa. Remembering one name is hard enough, but three?! That’s rough. The first thing to do is verbally quiz yourself in front of the group. You meet all three people at once, and then you look at each one and say aloud, “Tim … Susan … Melissa.” Then, as you walk away from the group, repeat their names in your mind as you picture their faces: Tim, Susan, Melissa … Tim, Susan, Melissa … Tim, Susan, Melissa … Try to remember to quiz yourself often. Good times to do it include when you’re going to the bathroom and when you’re heading home from the social gathering.
That night, if you’re writing in a gratitude journal, you can give yourself a written test. Write down that you’re grateful to have met the people you met today or that you’re grateful to have enjoyed their company doing whatever you did, and include their names in the journal entry. For example, you might write: “I’m grateful for the game I played with Tim, Susan, and Melissa.” or “I’m grateful for the fun conversation I had with Aaron.”
When you forget, just ask.
If you forget someone’s name, just own it. Ask immediately. No one with a healthy set of emotions and social experiences will be upset with you. Don’t make excuses; don’t say you’re bad at remembering names because that reinforces a fixed mindset. It’s so common that there’s no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. Just ask, and then use the techniques described above to learn their name.
Help each other out.
If you suspect someone doesn’t remember your name, help them out; offer it. If they’re not using your name, they probably forgot it. People are afraid and uncomfortable owning up to it and asking. This will become especially important as you get better at remembering names because most people don’t have this skill, so they’ll forget your name while you remember theirs. This makes them feel embarrassed for not remembering, so it’s your job to relieve that tension by kindly offering your name. Don’t wait for them to ask, just offer it up.
Furthermore, you can help other people in a group setting by using names often. For example, if you’re in a group of three people, and you know everyone, but the other two people are just meeting each other for the first time (i.e., you introduced them), make a point of using both of their names frequently to help them learn each other’s names. You can do this when asking questions, giving comments, telling stories, or offering up information.
For example, imagine two of your friends who didn’t previously know each other, Kristen and Olivia, have just met, and the three of you are chatting. Most people would carry on a normal conversation without using either person’s name. Instead, say things like, “Hey Kristen, Olivia’s into rock climbing too. We could all go together sometime.” or “Olivia and I went to college together. I forget, where did you go to school, Kristen?”
Remember to try to remember.
To sum up, we’re all naturally bad at remembering names, but we can all become better at remembering names if we use them often, quiz ourselves on them, and help each other out. You’ve surely done much harder things in your life than learning someone’s name. The reason most people are “bad” at remembering names is that they don’t put much effort into it. So you can become good at remembering names. You just have to remember to try.